I was just watching YouTube videos about 3 minutes ago when I suddenly realized something. It had such a big impact on me that my heart is suddenly racing and I just had to let it out on my blog. I'm known by everyone around me to be very forgetful and clumsy. Sometimes I don't realize something has happened until a few seconds to minutes later. This is another one of those times, except this time I was over a year late.
This is going to be a pretty long entry, so if you don't want to read all of this gibberish, it's fine with me. I just felt the need to let it out of myself because it's practically suffocating me at the moment.
It all started when my best friend at the time and I were roommates. It was an apartment that was shared by 4 girls, so me and her in one room, and another close friend of mine with a stranger. One day, my best friend told me that she was going to move out and live in another place on campus by herself. I had asked her why and she explained to me that it was because my boyfriend was always around. That is definitely my fault for not considering her feelings and causing her to be uncomfortable. I talked to my other close friend, who lived in the same apartment, about it and told her the reason why my best friend was moving out. I felt guilty about it all since I was definitely at fault.
However, the night before she moves out, my close friend has a talk with her and told my best friend that I told her that she was moving out because of my boyfriend and that he's always around. (Sorry if this sounded confusing) My best friend then snaps and asked her if I really said that. I wasn't in the apartment at the time, but they later told me how we all got into the situation. My best friend ended up denying it and called me a liar for saying that. She then said that the reason why she was moving out was because of me. Of course, I was really confused because I definitely know that she said it was because of my boyfriend always being around. Well, to make it short, one thing led to another, and the 3 of us ended up in a deeper argument. At the time, I just agreed to everything because I just wanted the fight to be over and we'd all be fine again. But apparently that wasn't the case. They told me to explain myself, which I did (or attempted to), and that resulted in my best friend calling me a liar and a "fucking bitch". So my other close friend says if I admitted to everything, she'd eventually forgive me instead of 'lying' and denying everything. (I didn't know why she was mad at me, until she told me that my best friend told her that I called her annoying, needy, and trying to leech off my meal swipes). My best friend then framed me and said that I said my other best friend back home only dated this guy for popularity. (Which was actually herself that did that, not me.)
She then tried to make my close friend and I make up and forget this happened, but halfway through, she stops and decides to make everything even worse than before and have her be even more upset with me. (again, by making up some random bullshit, which she believed.. even I believed that I did it. It wasn't until after the fight that I went back on my computer to check that I noticed that I never even had that conversation with her.)
Back to the reason of this post: after the whole incident, I was delusional about it all and believed that I really did wrong the both of them. I just realized that all I actually did wrong was bring my boyfriend to the apartment way too often and didn't consider their feelings/comfort about it. Like what the fuck? (excuse my language, but I'm pretty upset now)
1. I never lied about her saying that she was moving out because of my boyfriend, which she claimed that I did.
2. I never called my close friend annoying, needy, or trying to leech off my meal swipes. That was actually my best friend who said that during our sophomore year. I actually said that I enjoyed having her company, especially after transferring to the school and not really knowing people.
3. I never accused my other best friend of dating someone for popularity.
4. I never sent her any AIM conversations that I had with my close friend.
5. There was another thing that she accused me for that I know I definitely did not say. I just clearly remember myself defending myself at that part.
One thing I did wrong was let my big mouth loose and tell my close friend why my best friend was moving out. I do have a blabbermouth problem though, which I am currently working on and is going very well. :D
With all of that being said, I must thank her for what she did. I was able to see who my true friends really are. Real friends don't frame each other. They forgive each other and deal with the problems maturely, not by playing fucking mind games and bullshitting about stuff to make others hate the other person. I lost a great close friend because of her and no matter how many times I tried to explain myself, she still won't forgive me. But then again, if she was truly my friend, she would have believed that I was actually telling the truth and didn't do anything to hurt her. (at least intentionally)
Another great outcome from this was that I was finally able to find myself after being depressed and blaming myself for everything. I spent so much time thinking during that period and was determined to straighten everything out in my life. This is probably a bad motivation, but after her framing me and destroying my friendship with my close friend, I wanted to be better than her in everything at life. I wanted to have a successful career while she sat around playing online games and skipping classes. I wanted to make more money than her. I wanted to be more polished as a person than she was. Her destroying my life at that time has motivated me to do so many more things with my life and grab any opportunities that come at me. I was able to find the right major of study for myself.
However, after the realization I just had, I don't feel that way anymore. Everything that I do should be for myself. Why should I compare myself with someone as low as her? I should be my own motivation for everything that I do. I'm glad though, that I was able to find the right path for me because of my anger towards her (I had no clue what I was going to do for the rest of my college career at the time) Everyone goes through some bumpy roads in life that shapes them into what they are today and that just so happened to be one of mine. I'm very happy with how my life turned out now. I may not have many friends anymore, but you really only need one super best friend that will stick to you no matter what and I already have one. So I'm very thankful to have a great best friend like her who's been by my side for so many years. My goal in life now is to do whatever makes me happy. Have a career that I love, do the things I love and be with the people that I love.
She was right about one thing during the argument though and that was that I'll remember that day for the rest of my life. I most certainly will.
This post was mainly for myself and to let out what I had to say. I sincerely appreciate it if you actually read the whole thing and thank you so much for reading. I may not be the perfect inspiration out there, but I'm always in the process of working on being an all around better person and I hope you'll support me throughout my journey in life. (That was actually the reason why I started blogging again. I wanted to be able to document my life and watch the way I improve)
I'd love to hear of any comments or advice that you guys have for me so leave one below. Thanks again. :)